Poor boobies.

This is it. I’m sitting down (and for once I’ve remembered to bring water with me and if you’ve been with me when I’ve pumped you’ll know how rarely that happens!!), and I’m pumping. For the absolute very last time. 

I’m three weeks away from having expressed breast milk for an entire year. It seems silly to stop when you’re just three weeks away, but I’m determined to have a proper holiday. No pump, no watching the clock, no finding the time, no hoping he sleeps a little longer so I can finish. I’ve slowly weaned down over the last few weeks and we have been transitioning Oliver to formula over the last two months. 

You start pumping because you tell yourself you want the milk to be there for when you start to breastfeed. And the hardest part about stopping is the realisation that there’s no breastfeeding. There won’t ever be. That ship has sailed. It’s been blown through a storm. And it’s been well and truly sunk. 

I’m sad. Sad for the loss of it, and the knowledge that once it’s gone it can’t come back. But as I sit here and look at that machine I’m sad that I won’t use it again, that I’ll clean this equipment after this and that’ll be something ridiculous like the 2,065th time that I’ll have cleaned it (yup…I calculated) and I won’t clean it again. 

I’m also sad that my breasts are going back to just being breasts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also extremely bloody happy about this, and trying not to get too depressed about the fact that they are now, and will forevermore be saggy deflated balloons…but I’m sad that they won’t provide anymore. They are just regular old boobies, not life sustaining boobies. Poor boobies. 

I’m also sad because I’m leaving a big part of the NICU behind me now. I spent hours in that pump room, I’ve talked to so many mum’s about pumping, and we have all drawn closer together because of it. And now I’m not in that group anymore. 

Oh and obviously there’s the milk guilt of course. You know, because it’s important as a mother to punish yourself no matter how you do something, or which choice you make. So there’s that. Oliver will end up an axe murderer because I stopped pumping three weeks too early. Oliver will end up an axe murderer because we are giving him regular formula and not goats milk. Oliver will end up an axe murderer because I didn’t keep providing breast milk for him until he went to high school. 

I’ve been practicing a daily mantra, and to every single mum out there who has struggled to pump, struggled to breastfeed, struggled to make milk, I’d recommend it. It’s simple and short, but it’s true. 

“You did well, he had some of your milk, it’s okay to stop”. 

Silly. But I’ve said it to myself every day, multiple times a day for the last two months because other people can yell that at you continuously and it means nothing until you believe it yourself. 

You did well. He had some of your milk. It’s okay to stop. 

So tomorrow I’ll twiddle my thumbs while Oliver sleeps (ha!), I’ll have a huge glass of wine and I’ll wear a normal SUPPORTIVE UNDERWIRE bra during the day and NO BRA at night and it will be sadness and relief and exhilaration all at the same time. 

Mumma’s, you did well. He had some of your milk. It’s okay to stop. 


 

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Author: rfclews

I'm just another mum trying to figure all of this out, with the added bonus of getting to start extra early, and well and truly on the back foot!

5 thoughts on “Poor boobies.”

  1. I so just had this exact thing happen a month ago. I got to 11 months and then we got our chest infection/flu/random virus annoying thing and the gentle weaning I was expecting to be able to do between 10 and 12 months got pushed forward by a month because I got put on horse antibiotics and prednisone and that crud just doesn’t belong in a baby’s body if they don’t need it. Enjoy the freedom from pumping. You don’t mnd doing it while you do it but once you stop you suddenly realise how much time it took up to do it but there’s also a proudness factor in there. I got my baby to 11 months, now they can continue on other foods/drink for the rest of their lives. Enjoy your wine!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!! Yes. As sad as it is I’m pretty sure after a couple of days I’ll be wondering why the heck I didn’t stop earlier!!??!
      😊

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  2. 21 weeks here…and just had the conversation with hubby tonight re stopping.
    It’s all I know. It’s the only constant that I have had…some days it felt like the only purpose I have.
    A year…I take my hat off to you xxx
    Awesome milk mumma. Awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 100% hear you on the only purpose thing. That was why I have clung so strongly to it for so long. It felt like all we could do for our children for such a long time, it’s heartbreaking to stop. But I know it’s okay. More time to do the other mumma stuff, the stuff that at the end of the day maybe matters more? The playing, cuddling, tickling, reading!! It takes a long time to come to terms with the fact that it doesn’t matter what or how they get it, fed is best. Whatever you choose is the right choice Claire. Xx

      Like

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