When I start to write one of these stories there are always a few different topics that pass through my mind, sadness, guilt, anger, injustice.
And in time I’ll write them all, and they will be a mixture of the bad and the good.
But sometimes you just need to focus on the good. Soak it up. Try to fill your pores with it so that you can remember, just for an afternoon, that you are a mum, a dad, a family, and that this is a good thing.
So that’s the aim today.
Because our boys were born a week before our ‘baby shower’ we had bought nothing. Well, I’d bought two cots the week before, but other than that we had not a single piece of baby related paraphernalia.
This week the doctors made me go into super panic mode, ‘why is Oliver still in a cage?’ ‘He’s 35 weeks, time to get out and into a big boy bed’….huh? What did they say?
And then suddenly it’s Sunday morning and his nurse Lucy is wheeling in a cot (a loose term for a plastic rectangular box without a lid…).
This in itself is not an issue, we can be closer to him (fantastic!), we can just put our hand on him and touch him (delicious!), changing his nappy is significantly easier (phew!) and it means he’s slowly but surely advancing, getting better, growing up (jump up and down!!!!!!!).
But this means Oliver needs to wear clothes.
This is where once again I can’t thank everyone enough for being totally awesome all the time, for us!!
Someone had sent a parcel with some outfits, someone had knitted some hats and matinee jackets (just learnt they were called that yesterday!) and someone had given Oliver their preemie hand-me-downs.
So thankfully his mum was saved the disaster of sobbing in the baby shop (we will talk about this another day) by some amazing people, and Oliver could be dressed by his mum and dad for the first time.
Dressing a floppy, tiny, soft baby is hard when they are at home and ‘normal’, dressing a floppy, tiny, soft baby with nasal prongs, two feed tubes, three chest leads and an oxygen saturation probe is….also hard.
Please Oliver don’t spew, pee or poo on this outfit for 24 hours, it’s too hard to change you!!
It was magical, it was heartwarming, it was hilarious, it was parenthood.
And so far, it’s been 5 hours and he’s still in the cot, which is extremely good as it means he’s working hard at maintaining his own temperature. Go you little superhero, go!!
I’m sitting by him, he’s fast asleep, arms by his face, snug and wrapped and growing. Today is good. Being a mum, a dad and a family is good.
Good is nice when you let yourself feel it.